How to Become a Surrogate for a Friend or Family Member
Surrogacy is an exceptionally complex process. Not only gestation of pregnancy requires remarkable strength from a woman, but also the psychological study of her condition, role and emotional attitude to the newborn. If at the same time a woman is a surrogate mother for her relatives or friends, the stage of psychological study becomes more complicated at times.
However, the difficulties are surmountable, and great happiness can become a reward for overcoming: for the woman and the family who, thanks to her, became parents. If you want the reproductive travel to go well - take note of the recommendations in this article.
Surrogate mother for a family or a friend: Can I do that?
From the point of view of the law of most countries where surrogacy is allowed - yes, you can, it is legal practice. Minimum entry threshold: age up to 40-45 years and at least one pregnancy that ended in the birth of a healthy child. The absence of bad habits is by default, a satisfactory state of health is a must.
An added bonus: its convenient. Future mom and dad do not need to contact an agency for the selection of a surrogate mother, respectively, this reduces their financial expenses. And besides, it is emotionally easier for parents to accept the fact of bearing their child by a loved one.
To understand if your girlfriend or relative can carry out surrogacy for family or friend, the first thing to do is to discuss all the stages of the process frankly and in as much detail as possible. Expectations of travel participants relative to each other, the criteria for selecting a reproductive clinic, compensation to a surrogate mother, personal boundaries and measures of participation of yours and of intended parents during pregnancy and after a childs birth.
In conclusion, it will be useful to visit the chosen clinic and get a consultation with a psychologist, compare your expectations and ideas about the process with how the reproductive center organizes it. Only clinic specialists can reliably determine the medical and psychological suitability of a potential surrogate mother.
Important: if, as a result of the discussion of the process, you realized that a woman is not ready for such a step, she should not step over herself in the name of her loved ones. This will not lead to anything good and will most likely destroy your relationship. This is the case when your refusal will benefit all parties.
Surrogate mother for loved ones: how to become one?
The participation of a surrogate mother in the program is secured by the conclusion of a tripartite contract between her intended parents and a clinic. But this stage is preceded by a medical and psychological examination to confirm women for such a difficult role. If doctors and a psychologist have approved your candidate for the role of a surrogate mother, you can enter into an agreement with the clinic.
At this stage, the future surrogate mother may have resistance: why draw up a contract if all participants trust each other and agree on everything? No matter how close your relations, even if it is bearing of a child for your twin sister - conclude an agreement. In order to know what you have to do on the way to the goal and what everyone can count on. Because emotions, senses and expectations can be transformed many times in very unexpected ways. And the woman and the family for which a child is being gestated, you need a sense of security, which gives a Contract.
Of course, a respectable clinic has reproductive lawyers on staff who can draw up a legally competent contract, to reflect in it the wishes of all parties. But you can miss important points due to a lack of similar experience in the past and a poor idea of important things that you may need. Therefore, you can involve in the conclusion of the contract an agency specializing in surrogacy support. After that, the medical stage begins.
IVF program and gestation
The expectant mother starts hormone therapy and prepares herself for follicle puncture to obtain eggs. If the quality of her oocytes does not allow them to be used in a reproductive program, she will need egg donation.
Important: a surrogate mother cannot offer her own oocytes instead of donor ones, since the relationship between her and the child is unacceptable. Even in the case of identical DNA of twin sisters, in case of unsuitability of the mothers eggs, they will be taken from the donor.
The future father, if necessary, receives andrological treatment, submits a spermogram. If his spermatozoa are unsuitable for creating an embryo, a donor biomaterial will be required.
At the same time, the surrogate mother will be prepared for embryo transfer, hormone preparations will be prescribed. Currently, reproductive medicine standards require doctors to transfer no more than two embryos. If both implant, you will give your loved ones not a child, but children. After the transfer, rest will be prescribed for you for several days.
If the IVF procedure is successful, then after 10-14 days, laboratory tests and ultrasound will confirm the presence of pregnancy. All subsequent stages (observation, screenings, etc.) are no different from the standard pregnancy management program.
From now on, regular visits to a psychologist are recommended for pregnant women and future parents. This will allow to get rid of illusions and cognitive distortions. This will help the surrogate mother develop a correct perception of her role (not a relative, not a second mother, but a person who is carrying a child of loved ones). The sessions will help the future mother overcome possible feelings of inferiority or jealousy and rivalry towards the surrogate mother (this is especially true if they are sisters). Psychological assistance will insure the future father from shifting roles (perception of the surrogate mother as a real mother).
Another subtle psychological point is compensation to the surrogate mother. Very often, when a woman bears a child for loved ones, she categorically refuses to accept the reward. At first glance, this really contradicts the original idea of an altruistic gesture. However, this misses the experience of the other side: the parents of the child may feel guilty for having an unrequited debt to you. This is not the best basis for relationships, this state of affairs creates a situation where, instead of bonding and strengthening of ties, the participants receive understatement and a sense of guilt.
One of the ways out, if the surrogate mother is categorically against accepting money, is to agree on the fulfillment of her dreams by happy parents. Let it be a gift significant enough, approximately equivalent in amount to the fee of surrogates, so as not to make loved ones feel deceived. It will also be useful for the surrogate mother, as she may feel used while experiencing the hardships of bearing. In general, in the long run, accepting compensation for your work is the right choice.
What can a surrogate mother expect from a family member or friend?
The most honest answer to this question is anything. Her relationship with the new parents will inevitably change. Most often, people who have gone through such an experience note the strengthening and deepening of the emotional and spiritual connection with each other. But there were also discords in families: someone could not overcome the feeling of inferiority due to the inability to bear the child on their own, in other cases, men began to perceive the surrogate mother as the real mother of the child. Or the surrogate mother was imbued with too strong attachment to the child and tried to keep him through the court.
In most cases, participants in the surrogacy journey, who regularly visited a psychologist, completed it on a positive note.
The most typical problems faced by surrogate mothers and future parents are:
Intra-family rivalry, if the child is born for relatives. Jealousy of a child or partner, feelings of guilt or inferiority.
Violation of personal boundaries. Future parents are very worried about the future child, which makes them try to control every step of the surrogate mother.
All these problems are surmountable. The key to overcoming is trusting communication and professional psychological assistance. Try to speak out your fears and dissatisfaction without rushing into resentment and reproaches. It will be useful for everyone to keep a diary of self-observation: to record feelings and thoughts related to others and to oneself. All these questions can and should be discussed at psychological sessions. When participants perceive themselves as a team and see a common goal, it is almost certain that cooperation will bring happiness to everyone.
Surrogacy for family members and friends: the experience of Feskov HRG
A lot of people have turned to us with this request. In some cases, a woman was a citizen of their home country, which greatly simplified the process of legalizing a newborn. In other cases, there were psychological reasons: they wanted to entrust the sacrament of the birth of their child to a loved one.
Very many future parents demanded our special service - Human Genomics, which allows to provide the child with ideal genetics and protect him from more than 500 hereditary diseases. We also offer a sex selection service on a legal basis - to the great joy of those who have always dreamed of a daughter or son.
We consider it necessary to once again emphasize the advantages and disadvantages of using your surrogate mother in the program.
No waiting list: you can start the program immediately after signing the contract;
Reduced cost: there is no fee that we pay to our surrogate mothers;
Simplified legalization of the child, if the surrogate mother is a citizen of your country.
Lack of control over the surrogate mother: her compliance with the schedule of examinations, other aspects are your area of responsibility;
You have to decide on legalization of the child and issues of parental rights with the surrogate mother.
If the surrogate mother refuses to complete the program, the cost of our services cannot be refunded. Therefore, it is important to get a preliminary consultation from our lawyers: their recommendations will help to greatly reduce the likelihood of such an outcome.
If future parents are confident in their decision, we will provide them with the most comfortable, and most importantly, productive reproductive journey. Professional lawyers in the field of reproductive law, an experienced psychologist for consultations throughout the program, a personal manager to resolve current issues and all the power of modern reproductive technologies are at their service.
By default, PGD services are provided and the selection of the best embryo, the opportunity to use your eggs and the guarantee of a healthy baby. If IVF does not end with pregnancy or it is interrupted, repeated cycles are at our expense.
Important: choosing a VIP package insures against situations when your surrogate mother refuses to complete the program. Future parents will be able to continue by choosing a woman from our extensive database.
We welcome the desire to entrust the most important purpose of your life to a loved one. The only criterion is suitability for this role in terms of medical indicators and psychological state. Therefore, if you are considering the possibility of attracting your surrogate mother for family or friends, consult our managers on the site and order a consultation from specialists!
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